I blurted out a loud complaint to Jesus yesterday. It was actually more of a whine, if I am being honest.
I kid you not, if it weren’t for the most frustrating moments of seeing my flesh struggle in the most ridiculous outbursts of spiritual tantrums, I would have no material. NONE. I would probably never speak or write again. So I hope you can relate to this lesson learned.
Here’s what happened:
I was required to do 8 hours of online training and assessments for a part-time job I just accepted. The first 3 modules were going well and I scored 100% on the little tests at the end. (Insert little puffed up chest dance here.) I’ve soooooo got this…
Then came the never-ending 4th module test.
You ready for this?
I scored a 42% the first time.
I scored a 85% the second time.
I scored a 71% the third time (HOW AM I GETTING A LOWER GRADE?)
Then I got a 71% AGAIN.
I nearly threw my laptop across the room before I said out loud, “HOW DO I PASS THIS TEST?!?!”
I felt embarrassed, frustrated, weary, annoyed, and downright impatient because I could not for the life of me figure out why something seemingly so simple was tripping me up all of a sudden.
I decided to take a breather and started writing this instead. Because it was almost immediately that I heard the Lord say, Haven’t you been feeling this way in several areas of life lately? Not only during this silly online course, but in LIFE, haven’t you wanted to scream from the top of your lungs, HOW DO I PASS THIS “TEST” LORD??
He gets me. He speaks to me in such hilariously teachable moments. He never wastes a moment to invite the questions of my heart to be exposed. I am so grateful that He gives me permission to wrestle.
I had to ask myself, what is the purpose of a test? A test is given to us when we are being asked to prepare ourselves. A test gives us an opportunity to ask these questions:
- Have I learned something?
- Have I trained well for what is ahead of me?
- Am I ready to move on to the next level?
A test reveals where you stand.
Jesus showed me how I have perceived a test as something to cram for, to just “get it over with” and move on. I was the girl who was able to do that all throughout college. Cram, get a good grade, and then I would have no idea what I had just learned even just a week later. Looking back, I am not proud of this fact when I think of the implications. I missed out on a lot of important learning and turned it into a grade to make rather than a life to develop.
What Jesus doesn’t want me to miss is whether or not I actually learn something to prepare for the tests of life so that I don’t have to take them ALL OVER AGAIN.
I don’t know about you, but I am in a place in my life I REALLY do not want to revisit.
So I see now that this involves making sure I GET IT this time. Making sure I grow up and go forward from this season rather than regress and walk back into the fire in which I have just been rescued from.
How in the world did I go from scoring an 85% to a 71%? Seriously?
Because I doubted what I’d learned, I moved through the test in haste, I missed the point entirely, and quite frankly, I needed to be humbled by the end results.
I can only pass the test when I start over. When I quiet my soul and listen to the One who wrote it. When I silence my impatient head and heart and purpose myself to take it in, to focus, to take notes, and to intentionally plan on living out what I am learning. When I care enough to not skip the hard questions. When I seek to know the truth and be excellent, not to just get it done, but to grow in wisdom and knowledge.
So how do I pass this test? I check my attitude and my posture. I kneel. I bow. I start over again. And I purpose to make the end result a 100% not out of a pursuit of achieving perfection but for the evidence of growth and strength, a refinement and alignment to what God is training me for next.
I want to come out of this fire as pure gold.
When Job was tested by God he said, “Yet He knows the way I have taken; when He has tested me, I will emerge as pure gold. (Job 23:10).
I desperately desire to come away from the test having become more righteous, mature and able to withstand the heat that will inevitably come in the future.
I will not forget what I have been through, what I have fought for, what I have let go of, and what I have learned. I cannot wait to see what He has prepared for me next.
By God’s Grace, I WILL PASS THIS TEST.
Father,
Thank You for Your kindness, Your love, Your patience, and for always bringing me back to You, allowing me to take the “re-tests” until I get it right! I praise You for Your gentle discipline. Thank You for caring so much for me, You don’t want me to miss the message of knowing and trusting You in all things. You desire that I be stronger and more alert, growing up to be more like Your Son because of what I endured through this test. May I learn obedience through suffering, just as He did. I want to be trained and ready for what you call me to next.
Amen