Tears are streaming down my face as I type this. Not tears of sadness, not tears of madness (I don’t think) but tears of joy and amazement. You see, just an hour ago, my mind was racing. I had just sent an email to my friend Jessica telling her, “I don’t know if I can submit anything for your Stellar Day Blog this month. I got nothing. I feel such writer’s block and silence mixed with random bouts of racing thoughts, and I just don’t know if I am meant to write anything this time around.” I think I even used the God card, you know the line: “Maybe God just doesn’t have anything for me to say right now…”
Then the worry set in that I was going to disappoint her. And drop the ball. And never write again. And then I felt worse. And I think I stopped breathing for a minute or two.
But then I turned my laptop off, turned off the episode on Netflix blaring in the background, and finally for the first time today, I lay back on the couch and just sat still. It’s 11:30pm and my husband was already sound asleep. The house was dark and quiet. Really quiet. I took a deep breath, looked up and said, “God, what do you want from me? Can you please settle my heart?”
I didn’t even really get that far into my plea. A loud chirping noise outside stopped my exhale. It stunned me as I just stared out the front window. What on earth? What bird sings randomly at 11:30 at night??
You know those moments that are just so strange you know that God is speaking to you? This was absolutely one of those moments. I didn’t need to hear it again. I knew it meant something. So I sleepily grabbed my laptop again and began to type into the Google bar, what bird sings at night?
Maybe you’re laughing right now. Most people would be annoyed with the bird. I was curious. I have always been a little too curious. I was most certainly the “why” child. Asking questions is my natural bent. I sit in the front of the class. And it’s the reason that I am such a night owl. When my husband is slowly edging towards the bed around 9pm, I am just getting a second wind to research all of the random things I have seen throughout the day that I NEED to know about. Currently that list is this: what is glycolic acid and why does it burn my face, who was Priscilla in the Bible and what did she do, and 30 Paleo Recipes that include bread. Ha!
But really.
The first site that caught my eye on my bird search was from the LA Times: Why the Mockingbird Sings: And Why at Night, When Most Birds Sleep? by William Jordan. The author was home one October evening (ok sidebar: it’s October 27 as I write this, so even that is a little weird, right?). He began to hear a loud bird chirping in the middle of the night and it was so shrill that it woke him up from a deep sleep. Startled and curious, he did the same thing I did. He began to research and learn more about mockingbirds and their mysterious night song.
He said this of his study, “male mockingbirds, for instance, are not singing out of joy or pleasure as is commonly believed. Much of the time, they sing out of desperation.”
Oh my heart.
Jesus used a little but loud chirping bird to tell me He was listening to my heart’s cry tonight. Using another of His creation to say, Brianna, if I care about the birds of the air, how much more do I care for you? (Matthew 6:26)
Comforting me with the truth that nothing is hidden from His sight (Hebrews 4:13). Answering my desperate question to remind me that I am not alone.
Jesus was putting words to my plea, my personal song of desperation. He brought words of truth to my mind in order to remove the existing worry and confusion. He showed me what it means for His Word to be truly powerful, alive and active. He showed me exactly what I was feeling and I didn’t even realize it until now. And the Holy Spirit promises this to us as believers:
“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.” (Romans 8:26-27).
Jesus expects us to be desperate. He invites us to this place. And then He helps us to see the truth of what our hearts greatly need.
So what does desperation mean? Here’s what I found in the dictionary: the word desperate is defined as a serious, last-ditch effort. It also says that desperation often leads to extreme behavior. I guess when I read that I thought, yeesh, I am not feeling compelled to do anything rash. But the thought then occurred to me that extreme doesn’t have to be like that. Extreme desperation can be the very catalyst of change that God is seeking to work in us. The moment that pushes us to be brave enough to shout (or sing) at the top of our lungs, ‘What do you want from me?!’
Do you ever wonder if God is calling you to finally just say exactly what you want to say but have maybe stifled for so long? Are you waiting for permission to be honest with Him?
Let’s not forget, the Psalms are filled with songs of desperation. Don’t we find David to be emotionally all over the place? What a sweet God to show us in His Word that this same sensitive and often feeble man had won His heart. What an encouragement to know God can handle messy, crazy, unreliable David. And me. And He used David mightily. And He wants to use me. I heard Him saying to me tonight,
I hear you. I am with you. Sing your song of desperation. It comes from an honest place. I am still going to use you. I will give you the words. Rest.
Just the beauty of the word desperate captured me tonight, so I continued to read the article about these mockingbirds. The author was so intrigued by what he heard that night that he researched and studied his own sweet mockingbirds living in a nest outside his house. He soon discovered that the male who sang every night was doing so in order to communicate with the “competition.”
He said, “They rarely fight physically because injury is too costly at a time when a bird needs its strength just to break even in the energy economics of life. But there is no need to fight, because the vigor and skill of your song gives a good idea of the vigor and skill of your body– should a little more convincing be necessary.”
This article is blowing my mind at this point! Does the author see the implications of this “bird behavior,” on a spiritual level, for us? Lord! Am I the only one seeing this?
This desperate song is the best way for a mockingbird to tell its enemy: “This is my space. This is my territory. I may not understand what is going on around me, but I know this: You can’t have what has already been claimed. And I will not exert any physical energy. My voice is enough. This is my fight song.”
Jesus amazes me.
He sends a bird to sing a song of desperation so that my heart can sing along. I am aligned again with the Creator of all things. While all the world is asleep, I am awake and asking Jesus for His peace, for answers to circumstances I don’t understand right now. And He says, My peace is yours. Take it. I have you. I will supply your needs. I will give you the words to say. I will even give you a beautiful story to share.
All this worry tonight about what to write. And what did I learn? Volumes. Most importantly this: When I sing a song to Him, He listens. And when I write when He speaks, He inspires. He can be trusted. In every little detail that concerns me.
My song of desperation is music to my Father’s ears and also a warning to my enemy. Jesus has claimed me as His. I will not exert energy over worry or fear of the unknown.
And I will continue to sing – should a little more convincing be necessary.
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I love when God brings a song to mind that is so perfect for where I am. I hope you enjoy this song by Joy Williams, Desperate: