“In friendship…we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years’ difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another…the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting–any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends, “Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.” The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”
– CS Lewis, The Four Loves
Wow. Who says it better than CS Lewis? Friendship is THIS. I feel this. I know this to be true.
And I have come to personally experience and appreciate the deep truths of friendship as described by CS Lewis in his writings, The Four Loves. Have you ever looked at the friendships in your life and thought, “some of these friendships feel picked for me?”
I have.
I have had friendships that have started almost the way of a romance. I feel a bit funny saying this but I think most people have experienced the same, at one point or another. The night I met my husband we talked for hours and we have been together ever since. I have had the same sparkish feeling when first meeting a friend. A moment when I thought to myself, Hold up. Where’d you come from? You’re my people. And minutes before this, I didn’t even know you!
Or CS Lewis says it this way, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
For instance, I recently sat in my car with the engine running for an hour outside of a gal pal’s house after we had just gone out for a girls night. We’d only briefly met at church and now we were bearing our hearts and souls and laughing like we were old friends catching up. How does this happen? We just met! Why did we already feel such a kindred, such a safety to share our lives with one another?
Because the master of ceremonies loves us.
That is what I have come to know more truly this year than any other. God places these incredible women in my life, and I walk away from my time with them thinking, how did I not know I had a place in my heart that has been waiting just for you?
I think this is when the master of ceremonies shows off the sovereign beauty in His introductions. He is actively providing us with people we don’t even know that we need. People who need us, too. And His timing is perfection.
There’s more from Mr. Lewis in his rich friendship manifesto: “What draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it.”
Sharing the “same truth” is what makes us connect in relationship. But Lewis goes on to say that friendships that don’t share the same truth, don’t last. Sometimes our friendships last for a lifetime. But sometimes they are meant for a specific season or a reason.
Do you wrestle with that the way that I do? Can’t we ALL be lifetime friends? Can’t we all somehow share the depth of this friendship forever? And with my deep desire for harmony, my inner Pollyanna says, “YES!”
But then reality shakes its unicorn killing head and says, “Uh. No.”
Reality says things like this:
Do you still talk to your best friend from grade school? I mean, outside of Facebook, do you talk? (I know you still have your piece of that BFF necklace, and girl, go ahead and keep that. That’s priceless.)
Do you still talk to your college roommate that you swore would be your Maid of Honor? (You still have her favorite sweater, don’t you? It doesn’t fit anymore. Yeah, you should probably give that back.)
Maybe you do. Some of us have stayed besties with our childhood friends and that is amazing. But I think you know what I’m getting at.
We sometimes can’t believe where life has taken us and how much has changed. And most of the time it happens so naturally, we don’t even give it a thought. We may start to wonder why we lost touch but we know if we ran into that friend we’d be so happy at the opportunity to catch up.
But other times, it’s not so easy. Sometimes it feels like a bad breakup. And can I be real? I thought when I got married I would never experience a breakup again.
I was wrong. “Breaking up” with a friend is way harder than with a dude.
But Jesus showed me something through this loss. When we hold on to anyone so tightly that we are anxious without them, we reveal an idol of our heart. And even the most precious of friendships needs to be placed in the care of the master. Our truest Friend.
He gives. He takes away.
And when we choose to trust Him with every relationship, we see that each introduction, each friendship, can serve a purpose. God knows what we need. And God knows who we need. He concerns Himself with every relationship in our lives because He knows who is going to help take us where He is leading.
God knew who I needed in this season. Each of the women I call friend make my life full. In all of their uniqueness and diversity. They have different temperaments, ethnicities, interests, and attend churches of different denominations. Together they make me a better woman, wife, friend, ministry leader and daughter of Jesus.
So there’s a bit of what I have learned about friendship through my experiences so far. I hope this encourages you to look at your relationships and that you will either praise God for who He has placed in your life right now, or you will begin to pray and ask that He will provide you with your tribe. Your people.
The master of ceremonies is indeed picking your friends for you. And He makes everything beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).