Written August 29, 2013
At the risk of sounding dramatic (oh who am I kidding) I feel like Hagar from Genesis 16. Her story for some reason is exactly how the past two months have felt for me. I need Prozac, and coffee, and a vacation, and a scroll from Jesus to arrive on my doorstep with all the answers, oh and a job, but not necessarily in that order.
Hagar was treated so badly at work she couldn’t take it anymore so she quit her job. And ran. Fast and far. And ended up in the desert.
Now in my case, I didn’t quit my job, I lost it. So let’s pretend Hagar got “let go” by Abraham’s wife Sarah, for the sake of my attempt to apply this story to my own, ok? Thank you.
Hagar was fed up and had originally thought that by taking the job of being a slave to Abraham and Sarah, she was being obedient to God. Now she’s in the desert with a passive ex-husband and a kid she didn’t ask for, and no job. Oh and by the way, it’s been said in Jewish history that she was actually Pharoah’s daughter who had left the kingdom because she believed it was better to be a slave than to be a princess under his rule. Now there’s a sidenote: do you ever feel like that? Because I do! I chose to be a “slave,” to pursue something bigger than myself for the purpose of the Kingdom rather than maintain some high society reputation or corporate high-paying job, thinking I am being obedient to God and I STILL lost my job!
Sorry if that makes my heart sound ugly or ungrateful or lacking in faith. I just need to be honest today about what I don’t understand. But I can redeem my rant, I promise. Because no matter how much I relate to the pain of this story, I also love that Hagar responds to God’s pursuit of her in the desert by naming Him, The God Who Sees Me. Because I am clinging to that with all of my heart today. He sees me and He is doing something. I really do believe that. And somehow no matter how hurt I am, I still want to be in ministry. When God says to Hagar, “return,” all I keep thinking is that God wants me to continue looking for a job within the Church. To not run away, to return to ministry, but with the truth in mind that He is my boss, wherever I end up. I work for Him. This liberates me from disappointment with man, and liberates man from my ridiculous and impossible expectations.
Do you relate? Is God asking you to return to the very situation you want to run away from?
He Sees US. He has not forgotten US. And somehow, He’s GOT THIS.